And he wonders why he's unemployed

After getting over the shock of receiving quite unexpected 2-weeks' notice from one of my long-term and highly appreciated Curves employees, I pulled myself together and posted the job opening on craigslist a few days ago. Hiring employees is probably among the most difficult undertakings that my role as owner/manager requires, likely due to the fact that nearly every other aspect of the club operation, member retention, and my own job duties are affected by my ultimate choice. And the interviewing process offers such limited perspective of reality, sometimes I wonder if my instincts should be trusted any more than the flip of a coin.

Craigslist is my preferred method of acquiring applicants, as it is inexpensive and immediately produces a high yield of responses from which to select. Of course, the caliber of people who apply is not always outstanding, but then again, the position of interest isn't typically going to appeal to PhD's. My success in finding the right kind of people for the job improved dramatically when I discovered the category called "salon/spa/fitness" and moved my ad to there from "customer service." The number of responding applicants with a genuine interest in the field and more than call-center experience increased significantly. Working at Curves really is more customer service than anything, but it is nothing like sitting in a cubicle reading a script to people you've never met over the phone. Unfortunately, I've hired applicants from craigslist who didn't last through the initial training, and others who felt their paycheck was well-deserved simply for showing up and not breaking anything. However, I've also discovered some of our most talented team members through craigslist.

Within 48 hours of posting the opening, I had over 20 resumes in my inbox. Among them are several truly exceptional candidates (thank you, 12% unemployment rate), and more than several that I shall politely decline to interview. But no response to my employment ad has ever made as big of an impression as this, from one Nathaniel Davis, Jr. I have copied and pasted it EXACTLY as it arrived in my email box:

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RE: FAT WOMESN EXERCISE COACH

HEY I WANT TO TRAIN YOUR FAT ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN IT TO LATE TO LOSE WEIGHT BUT THAT OK YOU CAN ALWAYS RUN CIRCLE AROUND EACH OTHER BEING THAT YALL SO DAM FAT YOU MIGHT GET TIRED ON ONE STEP.

OK GO EATS SOME DONUTS I KNOW YOUR HUNGRY FROM READING THIS>

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Sigh.

This message is clearly intended to provoke. And by responding to it, he wins that game.

BUT...

there are so many things that should be said to this jerk! Not the least of which is, "Learn English you idiot!" In addition, the misconception that Curves is just for fat people really chaps my hide and is always tough for me to ignore. Then there's the fact that I am not hiring someone to train my fat ass, so his insults are not only repulsive, they are entirely erroneous. But of course any logical refutation from me would fall on deaf ears.

But I got to thinking, 'who is this loser?' To have found my post he must have been perusing the job listings on craigslist, which leaves only two viable possibilities: a) he is a lonely, punk-assed teenager with nothing better to do than surf the web looking for ways to boost his ego by sending scathing emails to individuals who he can assume would be wounded by his efforts, or b) he is a guy looking for a job on craigslist with the same character flaws as the punk described in a). I struggled to envision a grown man seeking employment who could be so stupid or entertain such a waste of time, so I assumed the former to be the most logical scenario.

I knew that responding with righteous indignation would only fulfill his wishes. And explaining how hard I laughed at his preposterously pitiful grasp of both the English language and human decency would also be worthless, because he wouldn't get it. But I could not bring myself to simply delete the email without satisfying my desire to demean this shameful excuse for a person in some small way.

So I sent him a little note:

This is really how you spend your time? How pathetic!

It doesn't encompass the full wrath I wished to unleash, but it curbed my amused outrage. If I expected any response, it would be one similar to the first email. I predicted that Mr. Davis, Jr. certainly had it in him to release his full vicious potential, but I hoped that maybe he'd worry about his mom finding out and would just leave it alone. Instead, I received this response not 10 minutes after I sent my note (again, copied and pasted exactly as he typed it):

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no! not really , i been unemployed for a year I have an BA in Sociology; an i'm just frustrated. i have applied for many jobs on craigslist just like this one an never get an relied, I actually own 2 german rockwallers, but Im a dawg love, I'm not interested in employment; you could say it pathetic, but I really wanted to see due employers responded. An to due that I had to say something crazy

Hey my bad I hope Didn't scared you also I wouldn't do any thing that crazy.

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Whoa! I've had to read this over several times in order to interpret, but I think I've got it now. Allow me to translate. Ahem.

No! I am a complete loser who can't spell or compose a complete sentence. I like to tell people that I have a bachelor's degree, even though any college that would offer one to me should be discredited. Otherwise, the entire idea of the degree ought to hold no merit whatsoever. I applied to work at your Curves last year [see below] and you didn't give me any relied [I cannot for the life of me figure out what this word is supposed to be]. I have a couple of big dogs [maybe?] but even though I said I am frustrated about being out of work I am not interested in employment. However, I wanted you (a due [?] employer) to respond to me, and thought that by insulting your clientèle and your core business philosophies I could get your attention. That is not pathetic at all.

Now, I can't tell if his last line ("I wouldn't do any thing that crazy") implies that working at Curves would be crazy and he wouldn't actually do that, or if sending the insulting email would be crazy and he wouldn't actually do that. But he actually did both. Well, he didn't actually work at Curves obviously, but when I searched in my amazing Gmail account for his name to find the emails I wanted to copy for this post, I discovered his resume submitted in November 2008. He GENUINELY APPLIED for a job at my Curves last year. I am sure he does not remember this or have any idea that I now know this, but it makes the entire debacle that much more hilarious to me!

I reviewed his cover and resume, and there is nothing unusual about it. Other than misspelling "craglits.com" and "exercose," his writing is intelligible and professional. It's amazing how a year of unemployment can change a man. And also amazing how one can spell the same word "do" and "due" in sequential sentences. And I use that last term loosely.